Last Updated on March 5, 2024
As one of the most popular stand-up comedians in America, John Mulaney has taken the comedy scene by storm in recent years and has participated in a host of hilarious comedy specials like Top Part in 2009, The Comeback Kid in 2015, and Kid Gorgeous in 2018.
Throughout his 15-year career on the comedy scene, John has said some pretty hilarious things. He loves to push the boat out as far as he can without getting into trouble (like any good comedian should), but he has landed himself in hot water a few times, particularly with jokes about his ex-wife in 2021.
However, that does not take away from the fact that Mulaney has produced some golden nuggets in his time that are bound to have you falling off of your seat in laughter. Don’t believe us? Just watch! Below, are a list of more than 50 hilarious John Mulaney quotes that are taken from his stand-up shows, television appearances, and interviews!
Facts about John Mulaney
Here are a couple of facts about John Mulaney in case you don’t know much about him:
• John Mulaney was originally going to play Kevin in Home Alone but his parents declined the offer
• He started drinking at 13 years old and the psychiatrist his parents made him go see as a teenager once described him as “one-part nice kid, one part gorilla that wants to kill the other half.”
• He has 5 siblings
• His parents were college classmates with former president Clinton
• He is said to have inspired the plot for Oceans 8
• He has been sober since the age of 23, where he quit drinking and doing drugs
Best John Mulaney Quotes
- “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.” – John Mulaney
- “When I’m walking down the street, I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man.’ They’re just like, ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible.’” – John Mulaney
- “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.” – John Mulaney
- “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.” – John Mulaney
- “There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.” – John Mulaney
- “I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be.” – John Mulaney
- “I’m a very straightforward person, but that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times, you’re talking about everyone else.” – John Mulaney
- “I remember writing stand-up jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work, didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on, was funny.” – John Mulaney
- “You know comedy once you’re doing it.” – John Mulaney
- “I wish I could go tell the 12-year-old me, like, ‘Don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.’” – John Mulaney
- “I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the king of stress that I am under.” – John Mulaney
- “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” – John Mulaney
- “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.” – John Mulaney
- “Now I get to say, ‘My wife,’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say, ‘My wife.’” – John Mulaney
- “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of Law & Order in my apartment.” – John Mulaney
- “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.” – John Mulaney
- “You should be able to say, ‘I don’t know.’ That should be an acceptable answer on a test.” – John Mulaney
- “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.” – John Mulaney
- “By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Johnathan Taylor Thomas.” – John Mulaney
- “You can do good work by simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.” – John Mulaney
- “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.” – John Mulaney
- “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.” – John Mulaney
- “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.” – John Mulaney
- “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.” – John Mulaney
- “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.” – John Mulaney
- “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.” – John Mulaney
- “Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.” – John Mulaney
- “People having expectations may mean they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.” – John Mulaney
- “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.” – John Mulaney
- “Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.” – John Mulaney
- “According to the Girl Scouts’ website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything.” – John Mulaney
- “I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.” – John Mulaney
- “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s—as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.” – John Mulaney
- “Being president looks like the worst job in the world.” – John Mulaney
- “Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.” – John Mulaney
- “I definitely look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I’d say I got a tiny bit better.” – John Mulaney
- “In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy.” – John Mulaney
- “Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.” – John Mulaney
- “Sometimes, people would say, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ But that just meant, ‘Stop.’” – John Mulaney
- “It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital.” – John Mulaney
- “And now there’s new Nazis! I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that.” – John Mulaney
- “13-year olds are the meanest people in the world.” – John Mulaney
- “The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them we’re not a robot just so we can log on and look at our own stuff.” – John Mulaney
- “Things don’t exist until they exist.” – John Mulaney
- “You have your law practice; and me, I have all these fu**ing markers.” – John Mulaney
- “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.” – John Mulaney
- “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’” – John Mulaney
- “I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that.’” – John Mulaney
- “I kind of thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of the mainstream?’” – John Mulaney
- “Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.” – John Mulaney